Googling for love

In a desperate bid, I searched for “love” on Google today. Well, you could do the same and you would get the same results and I know exactly where you will stop. But a backgrounder is in order.
The past few months have been dark and I have wondered if the man who perhaps invented the word in any language ever realised that his invention has actually led countless idiots, me being one, to actually think the state is possible. I mean, if you see a tree and call it a “tree” I know a tree is possible and very much there. So I assume, along with the countless idiots, that the sadistic man who invented the word, knew of the blessed state. And yet we all spend our life in careful or careless approximations of that state, forever doomed to wonder, “was I in love?”, “Is this love?”, “Nah, this can’t be love”, “we like each other, but is it love?”
A few months ago, after floating blithely in one such love-crazed question bubble, I hit the lamppost in full impact. Anyway, the flashback stops here because it more or less blacks out after that. Until I surfaced after a manic depressive bout last night (or was it day) and searched for “love” on Google.
I told you I knew where you would stop because I stopped there. The Love Calculator. It’s the first site on “love” and all you have to do is feed in the names of two people to find out what chances the relationship would have. Well, I found out practically everything I didn’t want to. None of the babies, children, boys and men I have been after in different stages of my brief, eventless life, would have survived in a relationship with me. Only the last man apparently had a 63% chance of making it and that too if we could talk and sort out things. Ha ha, I know better than that now. Talk to a man!!!
But what do you know, the love guru who has set up this thing is very optimistic. So even in relationships where the chances were 0%, all it said was “well, love guru thinks there’s a chance this might happen but will require great effort”. Well, love guru, we didn’t fall in love to MAKE any EFFORT. There’s enough effort in paying off the rent and telephone bills.
But then, I am actually more optimistic than love guru. So after I had exhausted my chances with all the members of the opposite sex, some whom I’ve spoke about ten words with so far, I turned out to the two men I would really want a relationship with. But there’s no unmixed happiness there either. I could possibly have a good relationship with Sourav Ganguly. But of course, we will have to keep working at it and I am quite sure he has other things to do now so I will have to wait till at least he stops playing T20. And well, tragedy of tragedies, my chances with Kamal Hasan are like 14%. That, I think, is about the size of Dasavatharam’s viewership in the world.
After having spent a whole hour in such intellectual pursuit and none the wiser for love, I understood one thing though. Why no member of the opposite sex could hold a relationship with me for more than a month and a half max. Will check IQ on Google next.